My wife and I have dealt with the death of our son in our own ways. I believe that the secret to our success is that we recognize and respect the different ways that we are managing and healing.
On a slightly unrelated note, what do you make of a person who acts in a manner that takes them further from their explicitly stated goals? I see this pattern from my mother who says she wants one thing (she wants to spend time with a particular friend) and then will not consider suggestions to make that goal happen (give her a call or send her a message). I’ve stopped offering these suggestions and have come to realize that some people are more content having easily solved issues and not doing anything about them.
Hi Aaron. Thanks for reading. Ram Dass says we have no moral right to take away someone’s suffering. Your mom might hold onto easily resolved problems because she is attached to the "drama of her identity". She may caught in the "karmic trap" of the ego, which often prefers the familiar suffering of a problem to the unknown of having no problems at all. She may be "Clinging to Her Story" as "the person who is always struggling" or "the victim"—because it gives her a sense of self. Giving up the problem means giving up that identity, which can feel like a kind of death to the ego. I think we just need to be there until someone is ready to come up for AIR. Just create a sense of peace around your mother. Peace. ☮️
Thanks for your thoughts. I have begun treating our weekly phone calls as just letting her vent for that reason.
The frustrating thing for me is that over the past year my 20-year-old daughter has lived in the same city as my mother for the first time in her life. Initially, I encouraged my mother to take some steps to build a relationship with her granddaughter. I’ve come to realize that despite what they say, deep down that is not something either of them really wants.
You make an important point: all suffering, including our own, is caused by clinging to the way we think things ought to be, instead of accepting how they are. When we accept how things are, they can change--but mostly our suffering is alleviated.
Wonderful. You really challenge the reader here, in the best way possible. We all are still learning I think…
I know I am! Thank you Esther!
Great post! You’ve given me a lot to consider.
My wife and I have dealt with the death of our son in our own ways. I believe that the secret to our success is that we recognize and respect the different ways that we are managing and healing.
On a slightly unrelated note, what do you make of a person who acts in a manner that takes them further from their explicitly stated goals? I see this pattern from my mother who says she wants one thing (she wants to spend time with a particular friend) and then will not consider suggestions to make that goal happen (give her a call or send her a message). I’ve stopped offering these suggestions and have come to realize that some people are more content having easily solved issues and not doing anything about them.
Hi Aaron. Thanks for reading. Ram Dass says we have no moral right to take away someone’s suffering. Your mom might hold onto easily resolved problems because she is attached to the "drama of her identity". She may caught in the "karmic trap" of the ego, which often prefers the familiar suffering of a problem to the unknown of having no problems at all. She may be "Clinging to Her Story" as "the person who is always struggling" or "the victim"—because it gives her a sense of self. Giving up the problem means giving up that identity, which can feel like a kind of death to the ego. I think we just need to be there until someone is ready to come up for AIR. Just create a sense of peace around your mother. Peace. ☮️
Thanks for your thoughts. I have begun treating our weekly phone calls as just letting her vent for that reason.
The frustrating thing for me is that over the past year my 20-year-old daughter has lived in the same city as my mother for the first time in her life. Initially, I encouraged my mother to take some steps to build a relationship with her granddaughter. I’ve come to realize that despite what they say, deep down that is not something either of them really wants.
You make an important point: all suffering, including our own, is caused by clinging to the way we think things ought to be, instead of accepting how they are. When we accept how things are, they can change--but mostly our suffering is alleviated.
Great post, Karen! The last line, "What if the suffering we’re trying to fix belongs to us?" was the perfect ending!
Thank you Nikki!
We never know what others are going through. Thanks for posting.
Thank you for reading and engaging, Pam.
As soon as I hear “You should….” my walls go up and I stop listening to the person giving me advice, no matter how well meaning they are.
“What do you need?”, on the other hand, tells me they see me, respect me, that they care about me but don’t presume to know what is best for me.
Same!